


Insecurity

by Higgystar



Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 23:43:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1836478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgystar/pseuds/Higgystar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt from the kink meme: Daryl is in a relationship with Rick that's going well, but when it comes to getting intimate he shies away from it all completely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insecurity

Really Daryl supposes he’s lucky he’s found Rick after the end of the world, because if there was anywhere else to go he’s pretty sure the other man would have left ages ago. It’s not like he isn’t trying for them and whatever this thing, relationship his mind supplies helpfully, is between them. Some things are just harder to get past than others and he’s kind of glad that it’s a mix of Rick’s patience and the lack of any other options that are keeping Rick with him for the time being.

He knows it must be frustrating to go from a marriage and sex pretty much at his beck and call after turning up alive to suddenly having someone who can barely kiss without tensing up. It was dumb, it was frustrating for him so he knows Rick must be about ready to tear his hair out with it all, but it was something he can’t seem to fix no matter how hard he tries.

They sleep together. As in actually sleep. In the same bed and fuck it made him sound like a teenager but that had been a huge thing for him to do and it seemed that Rick understood that. He’d been so calm about it all, not pushing or prodding, not asking or complaining when Daryl would shrug his way out of his arms to just sleep beside him on the same mattress. It was barely fucking intimate the first few times, but he’d gotten better since then, he even removes his pants and lets Rick hold him in his arms sometimes when it’s not too hot to do so. For him it was still huge and though there’s still the huge unspoken hurdle of him removing more clothes between them, Rick never pushes him to take off his shirt or move closer.

Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t such a pussy when it came to this shit. Daryl knew he could take down a fuck load of walkers if he had to, he could hunt and skin with the best of them and fight dirty too, but when it came to some stuff he ran and hid like a fucking baby. He was fine with some of it, like when Rick kisses him and holds him close, letting him feel their heartbeats thud in time, tasting his lips and moaning into the feeling of Rick’s tongue delving into his mouth. Daryl knows he likes when that happens, he even kisses back and presses his palms to the small of Rick’s back, holding him there and letting him stay close.

But then there’ll be the buck of hips against his, or a hand will brush against the buckle of his belt and he’ll panic, his breath will catch in his chest and it’s like the world tunes out for a second around him and when he comes back to it he’s across the cell from Rick and making excuses about having to go do something somewhere else.

It must suck to be his partner. Boyfriend. Other half. Rick. Rick sounds better.

It’s not like he doesn’t try to stop it, but every time it happens it’s like it all builds up inside of him, the worry, the panic, the memories of bad things happening and the awful thoughts of what would happen if this continued. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go further with Rick, he just doesn’t want to do it himself, or at least not in his body. Not that he wants Rick to go and start doing things with anyone else, but it feels like this whole thing would be a lot easier to deal with if he just wasn’t so…him.

That’s the real root of the whole thing. Something inside of him was so messed up it couldn’t even begin to imagine anything nice happening to him at all. As soon as the thought of being with Rick enters his mind (and it happened a lot, usually in the shower) he can’t seem to allow a happy ending to follow it. The worries of his scars flare up, of letting someone he actually cares about see them and know about them all, about him and his past. It feels like too much and the skin on his entire body feels tight and pinched like the skin of those scars, making him need to run and be away from it all.

It’s pathetic and childish and frustrating and God thank god they live in a prison because of Rick wasn’t locked on then Daryl knows he’d be long gone by now.

Thing is the scars aren’t the only issue. Sure maybe Rick wouldn’t care. Maybe he’d take off his shirt and Rick wouldn’t even mention them, he’d simply continue kissing down his chest and when his fingers did run over the scars he wouldn’t pause and give him that look of sympathy everyone got when they knew about that shit. But then what?

What if they started to get busy and he completely fucked it up? It wasn’t like he knew what he was doing at all, Rick might laugh and kick him out, or tell the group how useless he was in bed. Not that his skills in the bedroom were the most important thing in the world, they’d probably keep him around for other reasons, but still it wasn’t like he wanted to be known as the loser who didn’t know anything. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but he never liked feeling humiliated.

Or even worse, what if he was good at it all? What if things were going great, he was enjoying himself, Rick was enjoying himself and everything was perfect and shit like in the movies when sex was pretty and perfect and no one made weird noises and looked good whilst doing it? What if then Rick was on top and he felt trapped? What if he felt like he couldn’t get out and couldn’t breathe and started having a panic attack like he’d had before? What if he managed to completely fucking destroy any sex they had a chance of having because he couldn’t explain everything that was broken inside of himself to Rick?

God most of the world was dead and he still couldn’t hide his problems away from everyone.

“You know you worry too loud right?” Rick murmurs from beside him, eyes still closed, still the perfect image of a peaceful sleep but completely awake and reading him like a book. Daryl wondered if he hated that or loved it more. “’s keeping me awake.”

Daryl scoffs at that, glaring at the ceiling above them and ignoring the way Rick’s arms across his chest means Rick could stroke across the scar on his collarbone if he wanted to. It’s taken a while to even get this far, and he’s not going to take a step back now. “Hush your mouth it’s keeping me from thinking.”

“Oh thinking? Is that what it’s called now?” Rick smirks, eyes still closed but Daryl knows it’s all an act, and a way to let him feel more comfortable. Rick knew he didn’t do well with being watched. “Sounds a lot like worrying to me.”

Huffing a little he slings an arm behind his head, using it as a makeshift pillow and continuing to watch the ceiling. There’s nothing interesting there but he can’t quite look at Rick right now, even if he wasn’t looking back at him. “Clean out your ears then, ‘m just thinking.” He grumbles.

“Alright since I’m not going to be sleeping anytime soon, what’re you thinking about?” Rick asks and in a moment he’s awake and watching him through the darkness, making Daryl wish he’d just told him to go back to sleep. But he’s not going to lie and besides he was always better at getting to the point.

“About us I guess.”

Rick looks a little concerned and maybe he likes that, just a little bit that he can get Rick on edge just from admitting that. “What about us?”

Still it ain’t about them quitting or anything, but he had to know and Rick deserved to be given an out if he needed it. No point pussyfooting around when he could just find out for sure. “Just…I know I ain’t no good at this shit is all.” He shrugs, wanting to seem uncaring and knowing he fails miserably. “Was wondering if it was pissing you off yet. Need to know if I need to go claim the perch back.”

There and moment of silence and for a second he really thinks that Rick is preparing to let him down, to agree and tell him to get the fuck out. But then Rick is leaning over him in the darkness, hair tussled to fuck, eyes watching his every move and clearly wanting to call him an idiot but aware this isn’t the time. “You haven’t done anything to piss me off Daryl. Not a damned thing.” And Rick sounds so fucking sure of it, as if in that moment he’s gone through everything they’ve ever been through and found nothing filed under ‘pissed off by Daryl’.

So he gives a one sided shrug with his free arm, meeting Rick’s gaze as he asks the other side of the question. “What about the things I haven’t done? Any of that pissing you off yet?” Because he knows Rick probably remembers every time he’s left alone by him, when things were starting to heat up or even lean towards anything of a sexual nature and he vanished with not even a goodbye.

For what it’s worth Rick just smiles, that damned soft smile with a little glimpse of teeth as he glances down before looking back up to meet his eyes. “No and it’s not gonna either.” And fuck Daryl wants to believe him so hard. “You worrying about that? You don’t need to Daryl, I ain’t going anywhere.” Rick leans down and there’s a pause, just a small one, enough for Daryl to be aware of what was happening and pull away if he wanted to. When he doesn’t Rick continues and presses the lightest of kisses to his lips.

It’s nice but that’s all it is; nice. Not that he doesn’t appreciate the niceness of it all, but Daryl is pretty sure people get into relationships for more than just nice. “Well neither is this relationship if I keep at this pace, it’s gotta be getting to you by now?” He points out, fully aware of exactly where Rick’s body is beneath their shared sheets and hating himself for needing the knowledge of how clothed they both are.

“I ain’t gonna lie to you Daryl.” Rick never has and he appreciates that more than anything, so he nods for him to continues. “Sometimes there are moments where I get frustrated yeah, but not at you. Just at what happened to you and that it’s still affecting you now.” Rick’s fingers move to stroke over his cheek, soft and the pressure barely there, just enough to be felt but not to be pushy. “I don’t expect to be able to understand it, and I know I can’t go back in time and make it better, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere you hear me?”

A part of him, the childish little boy that got lied to and hated for being himself needs more than that, so when he speaks he knows he sounds just as childish as he feels. “Not even if it takes me forever and a day?”

Rick laughs a little, but it’s warm and full of life, not mocking. “I don’t know about you but I haven’t got any plans to go anywhere in the future. Have you?”

Again he gives a lopsided shrug, glancing about the prison cell as Rick lays back down beside him, his arm still flung across Daryl’s chest but not pushing for more. “Nah, guess not. Suppose you’re stuck with me then and everything that comes with that.” Or doesn’t come with that.

“I’ll take it, it’s worth it.” Rick murmurs, pressing a kiss to Daryl’s shoulder before closing his eyes again and settling to sleep. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough and though there’s still the worry lingering there and Daryl knows exactly where Rick’s hands are at all times, he feels calm enough to relax and close his own eyes to sleep. It’s not a lot but he doesn’t need a lot from Rick to believe him and he’ll take it for now.

After all they only had forever.


End file.
